I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
