i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
