Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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