my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
