My cat gives me a boner
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
