He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
