I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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