I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
