If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
