its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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