my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
