Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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