You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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