Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
