Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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