i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
