And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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