So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
