I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
