i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
