It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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