Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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