Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
