this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
