I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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