Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
