He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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