We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
