I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
