I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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