Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
