omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
