My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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