if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
