You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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