I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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