don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
