someone get that fucking seahorse.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
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Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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