Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
