May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
