You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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