Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Girls should come with a carfax report
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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