New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize