What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
