Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
