Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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