Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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