I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
