Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
