I accidentally had phone sex last night
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
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It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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