Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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