I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
