found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
